Giving Up

     I heard an interview yesterday on Christian radio of a journalist who had come to faith in Christ through  researching a story on the Bible. The host congratulated her on the courage it took to believe when she and all of her friends were leftist liberals. She said it didn't feel like courage, it felt like giving up. It made me laugh because that is what it felt like for me. I heard a preacher say that God is a gentleman, He doesn't go where He isn't wanted. I doubt Paul would agree with that, in that he was knocked both off and on his ass, and gentlemanly reticence certainly wasn't my experience. The Holy Spirit beat me to a pulp every Sunday during the invitation with the knowledge that I needed to be saved or I was going to hell. Week after week as we stood for the invitation hymn, I gripped the pew in front of me until my knuckles were white, heart pounding, resisting going forward. Resisting God. I was not a leftist liberal. I was a quiet, studious girl who wasn't doing anything a good Baptist would be ashamed of. Nevertheless, I did not want to relinquish control over my life (at that time I still believed I had it) even to someone as loving as Jesus. The battle lasted a year. I lost. God won.
     Even though for many years I wanted to be the Holy Spirit, at least to my husband and family, I have no doubt whatsoever of the Spirit's ability to convict people of what they need to do. He doesn't need my help. My goal is to speak the truth in love and shut up, even with my husband, especially with my children. I have had my teaching time with them, now I need to do the same thing Jesus did with his own disciples, trust the Holy Spirit to drive in the truth, beat them up, if necessary. The only way to win when slugging it out with the Spirit is by giving up.