Marking Time

    I thought when the Lord arranged for us to be in Wichita for the one year anniversary of Tracy's death, that one reason was to give me time to focus on grief work, which for me involves expressing my emotions in writing. Instead, my mind has been nearly blank since I got to Wichita and I have spent a lot of time knitting. I have been trying to knit the same baby blanket for months, using the same pattern I have used dozens of times before. But I have messed up this familiar pattern so badly even the newborn would have noticed.  Knitting is a very forgiving pastime so I have been able to unravel and restart this project three times. But I began to wonder, if grief had taken away my ability to complete a no-brainer activity like following a familiar pattern, what higher brain functions might also be impaired. The blanket is coming together nicely. Whichever part of my mind was knotted up apparently has the kinks worked out. The feelings, the writing, is not coming out as smoothly, but when I figure out what I am trying to say, I will eventually find words to put it together. Meanwhile this . . .

Marking Time

 

We mark time differently now.

Everything is before and after. 

Before you died, after,

when March marked the approach of spring

not the anniversary of sorrow.

 

A countdown has begun for us.

In a few days, a year will have passed

since you did. We will mark the day,

but we know that milestone will not change

anything that matters.

 

Earth mattered more to us

when you were here,

heaven matters more to us

now that you are there,

meanwhile we wait to join you.

Both the business and the busyness

of life will continue. Days, seasons, years

will march past as always.

But, for us, time divides into 

before and after--you.

3/16/23