Share and Share Alike

     During our recent stay in Wichita for Reed to attend Cessna school, we went out to dinner a couple times with one of Reed's classmates. As Reed and Brian talked about their class, I wanted so badly to talk about Tracy calling his Dad to fact check his instructor. When Brian talked about his son deciding to become an aircraft mechanic, then wound up working for Brian's former employer, I wanted to share about Tracy choosing to do that too. What I did not want to share was the answer to the awkward follow up questions about Tracy and see the shocked reaction we usually get when we tell people he died. After the first week in Wichita, I told Reed I could not do dinners with Brian anymore, but that he should tell him the reason why.

    So the next week Reed took Brian to lunch and told him about Tracy. Then Brian shared that his 22 year old son committed suicide six years ago. Ironically, Robyn and I had just been talking on the phone that day about how you never know the hard things other people are going through. That we should not assume other people's lives are running smoothly, or that their behavior is entirely about circumstances we are aware of. All through the dinners made uncomfortable because we did not feel free to share about Tracy, we were with a man uniquely able to understand our loss. But he did not share until we did.

   Knowing we shared a common loss, I was completely comfortable having dinner with Brian again. So on the one year anniversary of Tracy's passing, we met Brian and another classmate at a nearby restaurant. I certainly wasn't going to say anything about Brian's son with another man present, but I was not going to withhold sharing about ours. I asked them to join us in a toast to Tracy. And they did not seem bothered by how much we talked about him that night. We needed to. It is easier sharing memories with people who won't be saddened by them, and that night, that included us. We were not sad. The first anniversary turned out to be helpful instead of painful.

   Brian did not share about his son, in fact, he kept looking at his phone while the rest of us talked. But when we left the restaurant, he showed us the picture he had been searching for--his son, Ben. Brian said he hadn't looked at it in years. He seemed like a nice young man. From asking about what they do for milestones like birthdays, death days, holidays, it sounded like Brian and his wife have never really dealt with their loss, and suicide is a hard one, especially in one so young. 

   I keep a Griefshare brochure in my purse, and sent one with Reed to give to Brian. It is a national ministry so there is probably one near where he lives. I hope they go, if only because they will hear a clear salvation message there. Grief does not come with an expiration date, especially if it has never been addressed. And we could have had more opportunities to share the things that have helped us, especially God's word, if we had let ourselves share our sorrow sooner. Sharing, and letting others share reveals how much we are alike.