The Ghost of Christmas Past

     I haven't blogged for a while.  I would like to say it is because I have been so busy getting ready for Christmas.  It is true that I am remarkably ahead of schedule this year, my gifts are bought, wrapped and delivered, the house is decorated, cards are mailed, but that is not why I haven't written--it is the Ghost.  For those of us who grew up in homes with addictions, abuse or, in my case, mental illness, our Christmas tradition was for the problem to get worse.  I call it the Ghost of Christmas Past.  For me it is not actual memories of bad things that happened at Christmas, it is the presence of feelings from the past.  Holidays are a focal point for memories.  We usually remember things that happened on holidays more than at other times through the year.  Holidays are a time when expectations run high, making the reality seem that much more disappointing. The Ghost doesn't ruin my Christmas, it just casts a shadow over an otherwise happy time.
     The bad news is the Ghost still comes, the good news is it comes later every year.  What used to come in September as a feeling that something threatening was just behind me, is now a mild sadness that began in December.  Someday the Ghost may stop appearing at all.  My best expression of this is the following poem.


     To All the Ghosts of Christmas Past

To all the ghosts of Christmas Past
whose vivid memories yearly cast
   their shadows on my joy,

As winter nears, I feel your touch
reach through the years, gray tendrils clutch
   and drag me to the past.

I close my mind to the memories
but, like disembodied spirits, these
   feelings still remain.

Despite the many happy years
of Christmas with my children near,
   the haunting goes on yet.

I wonder if I'll ever be
old enough to be set free
   and send the ghosts away,

to stand unshadowed near the tree
and feel the peace God meant to be
   part of Christmas Day.                                                            Dec. 2009