"Colonbo"

   If you were alive and not stoned in the 70's, you might remember a series called "Columbo." The main character was a disheveled detective who was continually underestimated by mensa level murderers who believed they had hidden all traces of their guilt, only to be convicted when he found some overlooked clue that would never actually hold up in court. One of the fun parts of Columbo's quirkiness was that, after a seemingly innocuous interview with the suspect, he would start to leave and say, "Just one more thing sir/maam," then follow up with a question that let the murderer know he was onto them. That, and his grungy overcoat, were clever gimmicks on the show. It is not as much fun in real life.

    I should know, but in my case it is "Colonbo." Just as I am snuggling in for a night of sleep, my colon announces, "Just one more thing maam", followed by a, usually unnecessary, trip to the bathroom. I have always been a light sleeper but, in later years I have become a light-as-a-feather sleeper. Everything in the little universe of my bedroom must be just right--just the right amount of dark/light, heat/cool, quiet/white noise, pillow squishy/firmness, etc. I might sleep better if I did not wear the same worn, wrinkled outfit to bed every night, but I have no choice--I am not talking about my nightgown. My melatonin not only diminished as I aged, it left behind a sleep diva. 

   This not only happens while trying to fall asleep, but trying to stay asleep. If I wake up during the night for any reason--arthritic shoulder hurting, cat searching for better real estate on the bed, an ant outside coughing--my colon thinks it is time for just one more thing. I know it is only pranking me, but if I ignore it, I may never get back to sleep. So I wake up several times a night to appease a large intestine with a warped sense of humor. My twisted bowel puts a whole new spin on the story of the Princess and the Pea, Colonbo is disrupting my dreams to play Ding Dong Ditch.

(Actually, the problem is a little more sciency than that. The nerves that send the signal for a bowel movement run through the still inflamed sacral area of my spine. Conscious Connie's body can tell it is a back problem. Sleeping Connie's body cannot.)