Dear Tracy,
This will be the third year in a row that you have missed your birthday dinner. Although you have an irrefutable reason for missing and a much better alternate venue for celebration, it still seems impossible that you will not be with us. And not celebrating at all would make matters worse. Ever since you died we have been making the best of what is left to us, your birthday is one of those things. Yesterday I found all of the cards I got at your baby shower. It helped to know the memories of my baby boy were mine to keep. All of my memories of you are mine to keep.
I have felt lately like I'm on the slow upward creep of a roller coaster just before the steep drop. The drop I fear is Neil's upcoming sentencing hearing. What will it be like to look in the eyes of the man who, intentionally or not, killed you? Will the love I felt for him that allowed me to forgive him on Good Friday return? Will I cry? Fall apart? I talked to the only person I know who has been through the criminal aspect of this--Brooke Block. She said it felt surreal, but she did not cry. I can handle that. And there were a lot more supporters there for Jake, the dealer, than for her brother Brian, which was uncomfortable, even a little hostile.
We still feel the loss of Baldr keenly. A couple nights ago we heard a siren at bedtime and held on tight to each other, both missing the sound of Baldr's howling. Mykah never wants to come in when I am home during the day, though I go to the door and offer. Even when I am outside sitting on the deck, she doesn't come over to see me like Baldr did. She comes in when Reed comes home from work, but that has a lot to do with dinner time. Mykah seems content to be inside in the evening though. And once she laid down next to me on the floor. We've been taking her for more rides and she does get excited about that, spinning her playful circles. If we come home after Saturday breakfast, Reed takes her with him when he goes to Tool Palace.
Emily is hosting your birthday dinner Friday. I would have been happy to have it here, but wanted to have a fire and our fire pit area only has room for a few chairs. I've invited Amanda but she hasn't said if she will come. We haven't even got together to give Kenzie her birthday gift yet, but we have texted. Ren and Brie have colds so Britten may not be there Friday. Will has to work that night. And you, of course, will not be there. Except in memory, in spirit, and in the thousand ways your life still impacts all of us. Happy birthday, Trace! We miss you.
Love always,
Mom
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