For many years my anticipation of the holidays was shadowed by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Not the memories themselves, but the disembodied memories of feelings from Christmas seasons shadowed by my mom's schizophrenia. As early as September, I would start becoming restless, as if something beyond my sight was stalking me. On the positive side, I exercised often. Often, when I should have been sleeping. Eventually, the Ghost arrived later and later in the holiday season. And a couple years after Mom died, it did not come at all.
Now I am being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future, the specter of holidays yet to come without Tracy. At least, I think that is why I am having trouble sleeping. Insomnia does not come with an explanatory note. I am not thinking of anything in particular because I have no frame of reference for a holiday dinner table without Tracy sitting across from me. Or opening gifts without him stationed in the recliner, pretending to ignore his nieces. On a positive note, I am getting more exercise. Unfortunately, it too, is in the middle of the night. But the ghost of energy past stopped visiting me long ago, so my wee hours workout is mostly stretching.
Perhaps, in time, this specter will also fade away, or at least visit me after I've had a full night of sleep. The Christmases yet to come will leave beautiful new memories, the old memories will be welcome, the feelings warm, instead of sad. God's grace will gently help me face all the Ghosts of Christmas.
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