Wise Words for Will

Dear Will,

     You just got married so I thought I should give some advice about what women are like, only to realize I don't really know what women are like. I'm not sure my thoughts represent those of most women. I have always related better to men.  Some women are as big a mystery to me as Bigfoot. I know women tend to cry more than men and some men think tears are a tool women use to make people do what they want. Sex is also a tool women use to manipulate men, yet you seldom hear them complain about that. The reason--the tears of the opposite sex make men uncomfortable, sex does the opposite. You can tell if a woman is using tears to manipulate because she will inevitably be manipulative in other ways. The truth is, some women are just leakier than others, they cry easily. Others like me, barring loss of home, limb or loved one, cry for maybe two minutes twice a year. As tempting as it is for you to "give her space" at these uncomfortable times, most women want support, not space.
     They also want to talk. Women process feelings by talking about them, just as men process feelings by ignoring them or punching each other. We seldom want our husbands to solve our problems, we want them to understand our problems. Usually, we can come up with our own solution. We just need to know you are on our side.
     Both husbands and wives need to be reminded that arguments are not about winning, they are about working together. Your father would rather have unanesthetized dental work than a verbal argument because I am better with words, therefore, more likely to win. But the real goal of an argument should be to harmonize, through compromise, two differing points of view. (Of course, compromise is not necessary if you are always right, like me.) Since arguments are inevitable, the only way to win is to talk until you are at peace with each other. Unresolved issues will resurface like dust bunnies with every new draft of discord. That said, it is important to stay on topic. Conflict is not the time to toss in the kitchen sink of everything you don't like about your spouse. Doing that obscures the real issue and makes the situation appear worse than it is. When it comes to complaints, the longest list loses.
     If at all possible, pick your times to discuss things as carefully as you pick your times to say "I'm sorry".  No one wants to be sandbagged by their sweetie as they walk in the door. Same goes for discussions when either or both are tired or hungry. Save the really big issues for after a time of mutual contentment. Trust me, I may not know much about women, but I have a black belt in arguing.

                                                                 Love,

                                                                     your arguably wise Mom