Mother's Day

     I will probably never write something funny about Mother's Day unless it is about me as a mother.  That is because I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day.  I love being a mother, raising my children was hands down (and often they were--spanking) the best job I ever had.  Even though God was kind enough to extend our parenting through the invasion of the spare sons who lived with us for a couple years, it was still very hard to be downsized.  I love the Mother's Day celebrations I have had with my children when they were young and now that they are grown.  What I don't love is having a mother.  For unknown reasons it was God's plan that I not have a real mother beyond my early years.  The slow sickness of schizophrenia has been taking her away from me since I was six years old.  It still is.  I know she loved me in the ways it was possible for her, but there is no Hallmark card for a mentally ill mother.  I bought Mother's Day cards from the "For anyone" category, and now I make my own.
     For those of us who sit silently through the tearful tributes at the mother daughter tea, count ceiling tiles during the sentimental sermons at church and sift through our shadowed memories for some way to relate to what others are sharing, Mother's Day is a mixed blessing.   To me Mother's Day cards are full of lies and praises I do not understand, I hate the unwanted memories that force themselves into my consciousness and I hate myself for feeling angry and sad and loving at the same time.  So I buy her a gift and make her a card that simply says "Happy Mother's Day.  I love you." because that, at least, is true.  This year I will visit her at the dementia home where she has been living since October. I honor her in the ways I can, but I will not post her picture on Facebook, it is too painful.  God has given me poetry as a coping mechanism and He has given me a sense of humor.  I do not write these blogs to hide my pain, I write them because my life is blessed, beautiful and funny.  I would not have chosen this path for myself, but it was chosen for me by someone who loves me even more than I do.  Most of the time it is an easy path, just not on Mother's Day.