Perfect Weakness

     If I were God and condescended enough to use a flawed human being like myself to work out my divine purpose, I would use people at their spiritual peak, limited as that may be. Apparently God and I don't think alike because He keeps trying to use me when I am spiritually floundering.  There have been many times in my life when I am confidently trusting and obeying God.  But there are also times when I return to my besetting sin and find myself in a spiritual vortex.  I begin and end my days feeling like a failure.  In those times God has brought into my life people spiritually needier than myself.  I talk to them about what the Bible says, but not as one who has arrived spiritually.
     It's almost as if God thinks I have a problem with arrogance. My 38 years as a Christian have revealed to me that I am a pride onion, as soon as one layer is removed, more pride is underneath. That is one of the reasons I don't listen to"talk" radio programs, I am arrogant enough without an outsider telling me that not only am I right, but it's okay to ridicule people who don't agree with me.  Rudeness sells, but God doesn't buy it. Christians are called to be humble even when we we're right; I have a hard enough time doing that when I'm wrong which, in my own opinion, seldom occurs.  Realizing when you're wrong takes all the fun out of arrogance.  However, I am so skilled at projecting poise that when I was broken enough to wind up in a psych ward, the staff thought I was there for a job interview. I call it "terminal competence", the ability to look so together outside when inside I am quivering jello. I have been able to forgive and show mercy to others, not because I a such a saint, but because I am such a sinner. People know I understand their struggles, because I share them. 
     I have often wished I could have the apostle Paul over for dinner because he understood this so well. Jello hadn't been invented yet, but he understood weakness perfectly and the verses he wrote about it are very comforting to me. He said that "God's strength is made perfect in weakness" and "when I am weak, then I am strong." I know that God can use his word to change the lives of the people I speak to, even though it comes from such a flawed mouthpiece. God uses me most when I am perfect--perfectly weak.