Write About Me

    The Lord, who has been speaking to me so much lately it is annoying, has been prompting me to write about him. I did not know why. I certainly do not have any new insight or writing skill greater than the many who have come before me. So He explained--It will help you know how you feel about me. So, what do I feel?

   I feel like the Lord did not know me that well if he thought I could handle losing a child. I feel like I don't really know God, that He is not who I thought He was. As the one year anniversary of Tracy's death approaches, the pain, confusion and shock of that time are becoming more vivid. There is even a feeling of betrayal by the God who for five years had led Tracy on a much better path. What will this anniversary feel like without the numbness God gave to help us through the initial grief?

   And yet, He has not left me. He is speaking to me more than ever. In the series on the life of Christ, The Chosen, the writers create a context for Christ's miracles that meets the needs of his disciples as well as the one being healed or helped. I am sure that was actually the case because God does not do random, however we do not know what those side benefits were. In the season 3 finale episode, Simon is angry over his wife's miscarriage, angry that Jesus is healing strangers and feeding Gentiles but did not see fit to save his own disciple's baby. When Simon steps out of the boat to meet Jesus walking on the water, it is a test both of himself and of Jesus. A test that Simon both passed and failed. Ashamed of his own weakness, afraid of the Lord he is no longer sure about, but still loves, he sinks into the sea. After Jesus pulls him from the water, Simon says over and over--"Don't let me go". That scene spoke to me because I feel like Simon. Against all the evidence in scripture and in my own life, I feel like He might let me go. As if the God who held me together when I first found out, will drop me on the one year anniversary.

   How will knowing about my pass/fail faith in God help me going forward? I wish I had some spiritual sounding answer but, in truth, I do not know. Only that I did what the Lord told me to do, and it was right to write.