From My Side of Heaven

Dear Tracy,

 

    The one year anniversary of your death will be here soon and memories of that time are reemerging, whether I want them to or not. Since the Lord knows writing is how I process things, and is nudging me to write this story, I trust that it is part of my healing. From my side of heaven, this is the account of your death. Sunday, March 20th, we were following your tradition of taking the dogs for a car ride. We were not far from home, driving through old neighborhoods around the Outlaw Inn. The houses were nothing special, but the lots were big enough to hold a lot of junk vehicles and equipment. I thought maybe you could afford to buy one of them. The Lord said, Is that as big as your dreams for Tracy go? It was  confusing, I thought I was being realistic.

    Tuesday, March 22nd, no one could reach you by text or phone, that usually meant you were drinking. I had been concerned about you for a couple weeks because you sounded so frustrated when we talked on the phone. I had even asked you once if you were drinking because you accidentally sent me a text meant for Joe at 11 pm, telling him the door was unlocked. I couldn't figure out why someone living in a small RV wouldn't just go to the door. I could tell on the phone that you were sober, but I wonder if the frustration I was hearing was because you were thinking of drinking again and hated yourself for it. I asked all my prayer warriors to pray--Monday night prayer group, my BSF leader and group, our pastors, Britten, Will and families. Grace Young, from our prodigals prayer group texted a prayer that I would trust that Jesus was taking care of you, and from that moment, I was not so panicked. What I did not know was, by then, Jesus was taking care of you in person.

   Thursday, March 24th, Reed and I, Em and Jules were at Britten's for dinner. Luke was in Helena for meetings. He asked if we would like him to check on you before he left town. I said we'd appreciate it if he had time. Britten got a call after dinner and went downstairs. When she came up, I could tell by the look on her face that the news was not good. I thought maybe you had been arrested for DUI. But nothing prepared us for Britten's words, "Tracy has passed." Passed? I had her repeat it just to be sure. Reed and I looked at each other, stood up and grabbed each other's hands. The only thought in my mind was that we needed to go home. We had no idea how to face what was coming, only that we needed to do it together.

   Em stayed in the basement with the girls when we left. We asked Britten to come out to the deck and go over the details with us one more time. When Luke got to your place, EMS was already there. Joe and a coworker had come to check on you before Luke arrived. Joe is the one who found you. I was grateful Luke did not have to be the one to carry that memory. A deputy was looking through your phone for emergency contacts when Luke arrived. We were so grateful to find out through Luke, and Britten, instead of a stranger. Joe was very shook up, though, and went back home for a few days. The school cancelled classes the next day to make the announcement and give the students time to process. Luke stayed overnight to take care of some of the details with the sheriff''s department and RV park. Even in the pain and shock of finding out you were gone, I could see God's gracious hand in taking care of the details. And I wondered if God's message about the size of my dreams for you, the run down house I thought you could afford, was because the home He had prepared for you, your mansion, was ready.

   I only called three people that night--Dad, Robyn and Amanda. Reed called his Mom and people from work, and they got the word out to quite a few others. I left a voicemail for pastor Peter and texted my prayer warriors. The next day I posted the news on Facebook. It was important to me that people knew the truth of what took your life, but that it not overshadow the truth of how God, and you, changed your life. The rest, the aftermath of your death, is recorded in my journals. My grief journal I called Expressible Sorrow, since my Facebook announcement began, "It is with inexpressible sorrow . . ." At the same time I started that, I began another called Glimpses of Grace to record all the ways we saw God's hand in events before and after, and in His specific answers to my questions and confusion. I have also written numerous blog posts and poems about my grief over losing you. I do not want you to feel bad about that, I am hoping they will help other people with their grief.

    God made it clear that you died March 22nd because it was your time, the one He appointed for you before you were even born. He also clarified that the progress you made in sobriety, school and stability was so you could die with your honor intact and the respect of the people who cared about you. That the progress of recent years was not about becoming an aircraft mechanic, but a gift from God to you, and us. I know you were content with your life and excited about plans for the future, but now you are happy and fulfilled immeasurably beyond what is possible here on earth. I am thankful to God for that. I am happy for you. And I know the time we will be apart will seem like a mere moment to us compared to eternity, but these past eleven months have seemed incredibly long--from my side of heaven.

                                                                            Love always,

                                                                                                  Mom

Write About Me

    The Lord, who has been speaking to me so much lately it is annoying, has been prompting me to write about him. I did not know why. I certainly do not have any new insight or writing skill greater than the many who have come before me. So He explained--It will help you know how you feel about me. So, what do I feel?

   I feel like the Lord did not know me that well if he thought I could handle losing a child. I feel like I don't really know God, that He is not who I thought He was. As the one year anniversary of Tracy's death approaches, the pain, confusion and shock of that time are becoming more vivid. There is even a feeling of betrayal by the God who for five years had led Tracy on a much better path. What will this anniversary feel like without the numbness God gave to help us through the initial grief?

   And yet, He has not left me. He is speaking to me more than ever. In the series on the life of Christ, The Chosen, the writers create a context for Christ's miracles that meets the needs of his disciples as well as the one being healed or helped. I am sure that was actually the case because God does not do random, however we do not know what those side benefits were. In the season 3 finale episode, Simon is angry over his wife's miscarriage, angry that Jesus is healing strangers and feeding Gentiles but did not see fit to save his own disciple's baby. When Simon steps out of the boat to meet Jesus walking on the water, it is a test both of himself and of Jesus. A test that Simon both passed and failed. Ashamed of his own weakness, afraid of the Lord he is no longer sure about, but still loves, he sinks into the sea. After Jesus pulls him from the water, Simon says over and over--"Don't let me go". That scene spoke to me because I feel like Simon. Against all the evidence in scripture and in my own life, I feel like He might let me go. As if the God who held me together when I first found out, will drop me on the one year anniversary.

   How will knowing about my pass/fail faith in God help me going forward? I wish I had some spiritual sounding answer but, in truth, I do not know. Only that I did what the Lord told me to do, and it was right to write.

   

The Places God Speaks

    I have been contemplating the idea of where God speaks to me because it has changed through the years. I did a lot of churchy, bibley things before I began to understand worship, that worship was not about the things I was doing, but the Person I was connecting with. God can speak to us when we worship, not verbally of course, that would be terrifying, but by impressing thoughts/words in our minds. At least that is how it works for me. But it is possible to complete the three main elements of worship--Bible reading, prayer, and singing without one moment of actual worship. 

    Bible reading can be just another task to cross off a to do list. Praying can be reciting a wish list to God without taking a minute to listen for what God might have to say. Singing, which in some churches is equivalent with worship, can be mindlessly mouthing familiar words. I am guilty of all of these, of course, but especially the third. Despite my best intentions, when I start singing a very familiar hymn, my mind wanders. That is why I so appreciate our music pastor's selections of familiar hymns in new arrangements, the unfamiliar music helps me focus. In my case familiarity doesn't breed contempt, it just buys my brain a ticket elsewhere.

    Bible reading is worship when we ask God to speak to us through it. Prayer is worship when we recognize who He is and who we are. We worship when we pray for what God wants, not what we want, and when we are not doing all the talking. Singing also becomes worship when we recognize the God we are singing about and to, whether the music is old or new.

     Church and Bible studies are places of corporate worship and that is important. God speaks to me through His Word at those times. But when the message God has for me is longer and more specific, I am usually in a more private setting--alone in nature, or my car, or my house. But I have also heard from God in the ER, in hotels, even in a shopping mall. During corporate worship, I am paying attention to what is happening around me, as I should be. When I am alone, God's thoughts are easier to distinguish from my own. It is then He will address my questions or concerns. Lately, some of my most moving messages from the Lord have come when I'm in the kitchen cooking, probably because I relax when I cook.

    I'm so glad I don't have to be holding a Bible, singing or praying and especially, be in the church building, every time God wants to message me. I'm pretty sure the Lord and I do not follow the same schedule, and I certainly don't keep the same hours as the One who never slumbers nor sleeps. I do not know the difference between slumber and sleep, but I am fond of both. God speaks to me wherever I am, whenever I am willing to listen. And why wouldn't I listen for the whispered words of the One who loves me most?

 

 

 

Church of the Auditors

    No sane person would go to a church with the above name. It conjures up images of dreaded tax accountants picking apart your financial records looking for flaws. At my not-of-the-auditors church we are now studying James, specifically, the hearing and doing part of chapter one. That passage is about auditors. Auditors are those who read or hear the word but don't do anything about it, like people who look in a mirror, see what needs washing, combing or fixing up, and walk away without changing anything. After my Dad retired, he audited some classes at U of M. Auditing a class means you can show up and listen in but, since you aren't getting college credit, you do not have to do the assignments or take the tests. Dad did some anyway to maximize the benefit, but it is not required. Some people approach their job like an auditor, others treat their marriage that way, and many people audit church.

     I have always attended churches that preach the word of God, but I have always known that, if the Rapture happens on a Sunday, some of those long time church attenders will still be sitting in the pews. The church is not a magic box where sinners go in and saints come out. The Word of God will not change you unless you let it. That is why I do not pray for my adult loved ones to go to church, I pray that they will love God enough to want to go to church. God is not taking attendance, He is far more interested in our motivation than our location. The Jewish leaders of Jesus' time were the ultimate Auditors, they focused so much on outward compliance to the Law and traditions, they had no comprehension of the spirit of the law and no heart for God. Their seen-of-men motives culminated in murdering their own Messiah.

    I am not going to try to figure out who the Auditors among our flock might be. That is God's job, only He knows our hearts. Through faith in Christ, I know I won't be one of those sitting in the pews after the Rapture, but I want to make sure that the Bible I have heard, read and loved so long, still changes the way I live. I want to do the assignments and take the tests, so Christ can have all the credit.