Since I have nearly a month until the next BSF class, I decided to study something besides Amos over Christmas break. The gospel accounts of Jesus' birth are a logical fit. The application I found as I meditated on Mary and Joseph's roles in Jesus' birth, is that cooperating with God's plan is, at its core, simply a choice to be obedient. An angel showed up to announce God's plan, but he didn't stick around to defend Mary and Joseph from the ugly rumors that followed them all their lives. Mary knew that would be the cost of her obedience, yet still she chose, "Be it unto me as you have said." The angel did not tell her Joseph would die before Jesus' ministry began, or that she would witness her son's gruesome death, or that Jesus would leave her behind when He returned to heaven at a young age. Those, too, would be the price of her Be it unto me.
God's plan at this time, this painful walk of grief, seems impossible to me. But I, too, have a choice to make. I can choose to face this as a matter of obedience to God and to His plan to take Tracy to heaven at a young age. Instead of focusing on my ability to bear the consequences of God's plan for my son, I can focus on my choice to cooperate with it. I can choose, like Mary, to do what God asks of me which, right now, is that I need to feel this sorrow. I asked the Lord to help me heal, this is apparently how He will do it. And I have a much better helper than a here today, gone tomorrow angel. I have the Holy Spirit indwelling me--for keeps. He will not protect me from the pain of loss, but He can give me the strength to endure it. There is not a submissive "handmaid of the Lord" bone in my body, but my stubborn will has the power to choose Be it unto me.
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