Speed Healing

     I have told grieving friends that the firsts without their loved one--holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc. are painful, but purposeful. They evoke memories that stir the sense of loss, but opening the wound is necessary for healing. The Lord must have speed healing in mind for me because Tracy's death was followed shortly by Easter, then his birthday, three days later his college graduation, two days after that, Mother's Day. We braved the sympathetic looks to start attending church again Easter Sunday. Having put so great an investment in the resurrection, it seemed only fitting to celebrate it. Either myself or my children have hosted dinners for the occasions listed above or just to get together as a family. We attended my niece's final college concert, as previously planned, just one month after Tracy died. After Easter, we returned to hosting our church small group every other Thursday, both for the sake of the group and because showing hospitality delights my heart. Except for the days spent making arrangements, I continued with Grandma days Monday, Wednesday and Friday as usual. 

     There is a certain stability in following traditions and routines, but I have not returned to BSF, which has been difficult this year with a leader who would rather push us to get what she did out of the lesson, than let us share what God wanted to teach us. But mostly I am afraid the sympathy and hugs would undo me. And I have not returned to my Monday prayer group because I no longer know how to pray for anybody. God has never been interested in my suggestions and no longer seems terribly concerned about my feelings. If I pray for someone's safety, will God take them to heaven as he did Tracy? I realize God will not change His eternal purposes based on my prayers, but I no longer know what to ask on behalf of others.

     There are still many things to sell and sort and settle on Tracy's behalf, but they are not distracting enough to keep me from feeling the gaping wound in my heart. I have prayed that, since I can't see Trace in person, God will help me see him in other ways. The picture Joe gave us at graduation was nice, so is the Snap On cookie jar, and I still have all the "top drawer" notes, the sweet things he wrote for Mother's Day and other occasions through the years, but they are not enough to fill the void his death created in my life. Everyone says to give it time and I expect to. God is the one who seems to be in a hurry, by stacking the weeks following his death full of firsts. Maybe someday I will look back and say all these things helped my heart heal sooner, but it feels more like probing a wound that even grace has not yet begun to cover.