When we found out our son had died, the first passage that came into my mind was Ps.139, especially verse 16, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I wanted that psalm preached at Tracy's memorial, with special emphasis on verse 16. But somehow I had lost sight of that truth in the bleakness of what seemed to be a tragic end. Last night God reminded me by insistently, repeatedly planting the words of verse 16 in my mind as if I were a particularly slow learner, which I am. Tracy died because it was his appointed time. Not because God had given up on his ability to have a sober life. Not because God wanted to snatch him away just as the good part is about to start. When I had those thoughts in the early days of loss, God told me, "I'm not like that." If we as parents would never give up on Tracy, why would I think God would? And what kind of sadistic killjoy God would separate a child He loves from the best part of his future?
Tracy died because it was his appointed time. How God's plan interacts with our human choices is a mystery for better minds than mine. King David's appointed time of death was at age 70, but he spent many years fleeing, fighting, feigning madness, faking allegiance to an enemy (and wiping out entire cities, including civilians, to keep his secret) in order to reach that age. Still, I could not understand the purpose of all those prayers for Tracy, of the progress he had made in sobriety, of the plans he was on the verge of fulfilling, if he was destined to die so young. So last night, after God repeated Ps 139:16 until I believed it with my heart and not just my mind, He answered my question. The purpose of Tracy going away to school was not preparation for life as an aircraft mechanic, it was preparation for death. God enabled him to meet his appointed time with self respect and the respect of others.
Before Tracy left for school he was a 30 something, still living with his parents, socializing only with family, unsure he could stay sober otherwise. God gave him those months in Helena to show himself and others the honorable man addiction had hidden for a time. His mechanical aptitude put him at the top of his class and revealed his intelligence in a way that traditional education had not. Committing to a more than full-time job proved his ability to work hard, handle money and support himself. He built a network of friends and helped them bond through golf dates or even, as he had in grade school, by wearing camo on Fridays, or Hawaiian shirts, or even a fez. God did not let him die as an addict on a downward spiral, circling the drain. Tracy met his appointment with his honor intact.
The way he died does not destroy the quality of the way he lived. Understanding that has made all the difference for me. God gave Tracy the gift of reaching his potential and then he took him home. We are not ready to let him go. There will be many sad days ahead. But the hopelessness of doubting the goodness of God because I did not understand the purposes of God is over. Reed and I both slept well and feel better today. God is sovereign. God is good. And His purpose is beautiful, even in a broken time.
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