If Employers Said What They Meant

• We can't find anyone willing to work--for what we're willing to pay.
• We reward faithful employees--with extra responsibility, but not extra money.
• We reward whiners with light duty--so we don't have to deal with them.
• Smokers get twice as many breaks as non-smokers--because they get obnoxious otherwise.
• Non-smokers don't need breaks--because they won't complain. 
• Dependable employees who call in sick--will be treated with suspicion.
• Slackers who call in sick will not be questioned--the same amount of work gets done, and it's a relief when they're not around.
• Workman's compensation is available--but drama queens get more.
• Please stay home when you're sick--unless we really need you.
• Blame will be recognized--achievement will not.
• Annual reviews--are not annual and do not involve raises.
• Problems with coworkers should be reported--we'll ignore them, unless there is a shooting.
• Leadership positions are available--to those not stupid enough to already work here.
• A college degree is rewarded with higher pay--experience in the actual field counts for nothing.
• Job training depends on the kindness of your coworkers--we will only tell you if you're doing it wrong.
• Employees nearing retirement--may be fired capriciously, or abused into quitting.
• We expect less from millennials--it's like a disability.
• Mandatory company meetings--are usually a huge waste of time.
• Resumes should include--meaningless jargon.
• Incompetent employees--are easier to promote than get rid of.