The Late Ghost of Christmas Past

     I could tell the Ghost of Christmas Past was back, the day I came home from work and did 20 pushups in a row.  The good news is that this happened in November, the Ghost used to arrive in September. Maybe someday, it will miss Christmas completely and I will go through the whole season without feeling restless and sad. It didn't occur to me until this year, that the reason mom's schizophrenia gets so bad at Christmas and Easter is probably that she has ghosts of her own, and fewer mental coping skills available to deal with them. Her parents were wonderful grandparents but, from what dad has said, harsh, unfair and immature parents.
    There is another kind of bitter sweetness attached to Christmas now that my children are grown. I find myself following family traditions and baking Christmas goodies with an attitude of "Why bother?"  Christmas is actually about one, specific child, but I miss being around children at Christmas. My niece and nephew are teens now.  Alex is in the unaware, uncommunicative stage that I remember so well with my own boys but, because they were around the house, I managed to overhear things that were happening in their lives. Amanda, though always delightfully enthusiastic, is busy with dance recital practice, piano lessons and school programs. My new granddaughter-to-be, doesn't know us well enough to want to spend time with me. I miss children. The nest is still empty despite the Christmas decorations.
     Britten and Luke are unable to come to Kalispell this Christmas. Will will be here, but working nights or sleeping. I both understand and want Tracy to share the holiday with his fiance's family. But I have come to realize the test of the importance of holiday traditions is not that our grown kids come to our house to share them, but that they establish Christmas traditions in their own homes.
    The inconvenience of restlessness and insomnia is a small price to pay for the extra energy that enables me to do useful things around the house and, as I said above, the Ghost comes later every year. Meanwhile, no matter what tries to pull me down, I can always push up again.