Why I Never. . .

     Psalm 68:6 says "God sets the lonely in families. . ."  This is a natural consequence of participation in a church because the church is a family.  God intended it to be.  Regardless of age, we are brothers and sisters in Christ but, because of age differences, the roles we fill in one another's lives may be that of parent, grandparent, child or friend.  I have know since I trusted Christ at age 16, that there were women in the church who would have filled the role of the mother who was taken from me by schizophrenia, but I have never asked.  Guilt tells me that it would be disloyal to my real mother, who is still alive.  Logic tells me that, having made it to this point in life without a mother, it is too late to matter. The real reason is that I don't want to know what I am missing, what I have been missing for 50 years now. That is the voice of fear. Knowing would make me sad.  And I am not brave enough to face that sorrow.
     But I watch mothers and their grown daughters shopping or going out to lunch or working together in the kitchen and I wonder.  Is that what it's like?  Is that how it is supposed to be?  I love my daughter a lot, but we have very different talents and interests.  She remodels houses, has all her own tools, designs room layouts; I can hardly use a screwdriver. The only tools I am comfortable with are used for cooking and cleaning. When my husband and I go to help them on a project, my role is usually in support services.  It is fine that God made us differently, but we probably wouldn't be going shopping together even if she lived in the same town.
     When my children were growing up, I wanted to do for them all the things I wished my mother had done for me.  Now my children are grown and I am not sure how to be the mother of adults.  My wish list didn't extend that far.  Knowing what they need from me as grown children would inevitably reveal to me what I am still missing in my life, so I maintain a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Most of the time that policy includes a "Don't even think about it" clause, but today is Mother's Day, and I can't help myself. God offers the blessing of setting us in families, but He doesn't force us to take it. Fear, that is why I never. . .